Beautiful Things in Mysterious Places

I find a strange beauty in fallen trees. It is kind of a weird thing to call beautiful. But stay with me here. After a tree dies and falls, one would think its usefulness is over. Of course, it is wood and can be used to create new things. We all recognize that.

But I am talking about the fallen trees in the middle of the forest - the ones with no hope of new foliage or growth. You have seen them - those trunks and stumps with no human to claim them to make a desk or paper or art. Picture this once mighty tree that will now lay on the forest floor, dead and decaying for who knows how long. Maybe you have felt like this tree. I know I have.

After being widowed, I felt like every part of me was dead or decaying. I saw no hope or usefulness beyond just trying to survive as a newly single mom and widow.

The truth is that I had believed I would be a pastor’s wife till the day I died myself. That life was something I felt called to from the age of 8, and I loved it. I loved the connections and I loved pouring my heart into our church family. I don’t always understand it, but for some reason, even when we act like spoiled children, fighting over who gets to sit in the front seat, God continues to use the church to accomplish God’s ways on earth. Despite our selfishness and despite the way we fail to be like Christ, God still loves the church. And I do too. So when all of a sudden that identity was taken from me, I didn’t know who I was any more.

When we see death and suffering and loss, we often try to rush past and avert our eyes. It makes us uncomfortable and anxious. I believe that is why we tend to say the dumbest things to people in pain and grief. Their loss makes us question our own vulnerability, and we rush to make the person feel better so that we can feel better too.

When someone you love is grieving, simply make space and sit and keep watch with them. Nothing you say can fix the hurt and loss. But your presence does help. It is an absolute gift to know know someone is simply there to sit with you and hold space for the emptiness and pain.

These empty spaces are where I believe we need to stop and ponder. I think, if we are courageous enough to look a little closer, we will see something new in the midst of the loss. Now, I am not advocating rushing through grief or simply looking for the proverbial silver lining. Grief is a long, hard journey and nothing can change that. There is a loss there - a real, gut wrenching, life changing loss.

Let’s go back to that fallen tree. Once it hits the ground, the life it knew is over. There is no going back. However, I am curious about what happens next. After the grief has softened and after the empty spaces have been acknowledged, what happens then?

What I see in fallen tree trunks that is so beautiful and so hopeful is that, after a time, there is life that moves in uninvited. Maybe a squirrel uses the openings to store nuts. Under the log, in the dark, moist ground, insects find safety and sustenance. Moss or lichen grows on the trunks. The fallen trunk didn’t even ask for it, but life happens. That dead, decaying tree becomes a place with a new purpose. Hope springs up, and there is beauty in the loss.

I don’t really know how to explain it, but God has been present to me during the past 3 &1/2 years in ways I still don’t understand. There have been plenty of moments when I have been angry or felt betrayed or couldn’t find words to pray. I have cried to God from the depths of my bones and felt only silence and emptiness. But I still believe that Holy Spirit was there, hovering and praying over me in “groanings that cannot be expressed in words” (Romans 8:26 NLT) I felt her presence in those dark moments and days.

There is a strange and mysterious beauty in dead trees. It doesn't make sense.

There is also a strange and mysterious beauty in grief. It really doesn’t make sense. It may take years to recognize. It often comes without permission or invitation.

God’s presence is real in grief, in ways it is not (maybe it cannot be) in joy or in everyday life. I propose that God uses even death to create something of beauty.

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19 (NLT)

Here is a song my sister, Mary, introduced me to a couple of years ago that speaks to finding beauty in lost and lonely places. It is called Beautiful Things by Gungor. Have a listen and let God speak into your silent spaces.

Where has God met you in the quiet, dark places of grief and suffering? What strange and mysterious places have you seen a glimpse of beauty? How can I pray for you today?

Trick or Treat

True confession: I love Halloween. I personally love dressing up, and I love handing out candy to small-ish humans dressed in their favorite costumes.

Tiny princesses and Jedi.

The latest superhero.

The true nerds who love to pick the most obscure costume they can dream up, even if only a few people ever “get it.”

Big lumbering teenagers dressed in a “this is my costume” t-shirt hoping there is candy for big kids too.

I especially love family costumes where every person dresses up thematically.

I love them all.

I have heard people complain about kids being “too big” or forgetting to say “trick our treat.” But I have none of those hang ups. If you come to my door on Halloween, I am going to give you candy no matter what you’re wearing or what you feel brave enough to say.

I’ve spent much of the last few months hoping with all my might that the 2020 curse doesn’t stop Halloween this year. Every year on October 31, I wait eagerly for the first signs of darkness so I can start the candy-giving.

Each year you will find my boys and I sitting on our front porch early, dressed in our favorite costumes, waiting when the first trick-or-treaters show up.

Oh, and then there is the issue of candy purchases. Y’all, I have no willpower when it comes to seasonal candy. Can anyone tell me why a Reese’s tastes better when its shaped like a pumpkin?

Every year, I buy far too much candy, and although I only buy candy we like, I always have so much left over that we are still eating it after the new year. It is a serious thing in our house.

my kids came out of the womb dressing up

Cole, around 4 years old, wearing his new cape that his cool Aunt Mary gave him

one of our family costumes - Doctor Who characters

I am the 11th doctor, Caleb is the 10th Doctor, and Cole is the Empty Child

So, I had this thought today…because weird thoughts come to me randomly.

I think Halloween is a beautiful picture of grace.

What!!! Renae, don’t you know there are entire sections of Christianity that believe Halloween is evil?

Yep, I do. And I still stand by my hypothesis.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches us about effective prayer. He reminds us to keep on asking, keep on seeking, and keep on knocking. And then Jesus reminds us that if we, as humans, know how to give our kids good gifts, how much more must God delight in giving to us. Eugene Peterson in The Message says it beautifully: “Don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?” (Matthew 7: 7-11)

God loves to give us good gifts. And God is always waiting to reveal God’s own goodness so that we can marvel and delight.

So often, we think prayer has to follow a certain formula - it needs to look a certain way to be accepted. We have this tendency to think we should only “bother” God with the big, important things - sometimes we only ask for the things we can’t figure out how to do for ourselves.

But I think God delights in generously giving to us. God gifts us daily with things beyond our wildest imagination -

a colorful array of gorgeous autumn leaves,

vivid orange and pink sunsets,

the first cool breeze of autumn,

sticky kisses and sleepy cuddles,

a friend who calls just when we need it most,

a good night’s sleep and a hot cup of coffee in the stillness of morning before the family awakes.

I’m not sure I always recognize these things as gifts - sometimes I expect them as rights - but I am on a journey to see through new eyes.

So now I have begun imagining God waiting at the door, candy basket full to overflowing.

God, eagerly anticipating the first signs of us, standing in our best costume with our pumpkin buckets out, knowing that goodness is coming our way.

God, ready to give us good things whether we know how to ask or not.

But I also think our job is to come, with eyes wide open. It doesn’t take special language. We don’t have to look a certain way. We are simply to come and ask. We are simply to see and notice.

What is your favorite Halloween costume and candy? What good gifts have you noticed this week? How can you be more attentive to the gifts God gives every day?

Creativity and Other Scary Words

When you think about a Creative Person, what do you imagine? An artist with canvases and paints? A musician with a guitar, writing a new song? An author and illustrator of children’s books? Certainly these all qualify, but I think we should look closer at this idea of creativity. For years - most of my life honestly - I did not consider myself creative. I would sadly, or sometimes with a sassy tone, tell people I didn’t have a creative bone in my body, or I “couldn’t draw a straight line to save my life.”

In reality though, I longed to be a creative person. I would play around with craft projects or bake something new or draw with my kids, but I wistfully left the real creating to those who had “the gift of creativity.” (Insert angel chorus and fairy dust here.)

But a couple of years ago, I began defiantly buying colored pens and art supplies like they were going out of stock. I dabbled in bullet journaling and added color to every piece of paper I could find. I colored for fun again.

{I should confess here that my mom tells the story that every Christmas, no matter how many cool toys Santa brought me, the new coloring book and fresh pack of crayons in my stocking were my absolute favorite. FACT: There is nothing more precious as an oldest child than a new pack of unbroken, perfectly sharp crayons, unspoiled by younger siblings.}

I felt a joy and lightness as these moments became a solace in my grief and stress. I shared this newfound “coping strategy” with my Counselor, along with the hidden wish that I was creative. She championed the self awareness that art helped me process my emotions and thoughts, but she also challenged my belief that I wasn’t creative. (Wait!!…She had not seen my dubious art skills - how could she even think creativity might live inside of me?) We discussed the abundant creativity of God and sat with the idea that if we are created in the image of a Creative God, that spark of creativity lives within us.

I left my session that day with a secret hope that she was right, and I vowed to research this idea of creativity. I started noticing God’s creativity in everything - the many shades of green in trees above me, the way the sunset changes as time passes, the variety of animals, and the sparks of creativity I saw in other humans.

Then I read a quote by Brene Brown in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” (2010, p.108)

I’m not very creative” doesn’t work. There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t.”

That startled me. Did I have untapped creativity that I had ignored as a result of listening to my inner critic?

I took to the scriptures and found verses steeped in God’s love and creativity. The Holy Spirit kept pointing me to the truth that when God made humans, God made us to create! We are created to reflect our Creator.

Genesis 1:27 (CEB) God created humanity in God’s own image, in the divine image God created them; male and female God created them.

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT) For we are God’s masterpiece. God has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things God planned for us long ago.

Psalm 19:1-4 (NLT) The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display God’s craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make God known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.

At first this scared me. What if I couldn’t create? What if I was the exception? And then I realized how wrong I was to believe that inner voice that said “everyone else, but not you.” I’m not capable of escaping the grace of God. God is big and deep and wide enough to include us all. Even me. Even you. We are included in that circle of love and grace and creativity.

So I started creating on purpose. I doodle and draw, and I use color wherever I can. I call my love of finding the perfect harmony in a song an act of creativity. I cook with an eye of creating something beautiful and nourishing to the soul and body. I believe that I can use creativity to solve problems.

My life verse takes on new meaning with a lens of creativity.

Psalm 19:14 (NLT) May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

So here we are. I am creative. Full stop. I get to start each day with the choice to use the creativity I am given. It is like a muscle I need to exercise. I choose how I want to express God’s creative spark in me every day. I get to create as an act of worship and self nourishment. And God loves creatively through me. I get to glorify God through my creativity and use it to lead others closer to the Creator of their soul.

What about you? How does creativity show up in your life? Where do you feel resistant to the idea that you are a creative being? How are you creatively loving God and others?

4 Ways We Can Survive Times of Waiting

Weeks have turned into months and we are still in this mess. We assumed (hoped, prayed?) we would be back to “normal” now. The initial fear and anxiety has turned to weariness and a stress level that’s always just below our boiling point. Numbers continue to climb, but now, the stories of illness are closer to home. There’s a lot of fighting over who to believe and what is true. Many of us have mental and emotional health that is suffering. What do we do when we can’t see the end of the story and we feel like we’re wandering in the wilderness?

Exodus story My Spiritual Director said something profound to me in our very first session together. I was sharing my story & we were talking about life giving spiritual practices. She said, “We are all writing our own exodus story. What are the things that are manna for your soul?” Weeks and weeks later, I am still processing this one question.

Here is the truth: We are all wandering in the wilderness these days, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this question. What is the manna that is sustaining me? It sometimes differs by the day, and even by the hour. But there are a few things that continue to sustain me during this wilderness season. Maybe they will be helpful to you too. So here are my top 4 Manna practices for this season and all the seasons to come.

1. Give yourself grace. We’ve never done this before. Literally. We have never lived our lives in the middle of a pandemic. We’ve never had to make these decisions or know the right answer in a situation like this. So be kind to yourself.

   When you feel frustrated that you aren’t making the progress you want, remind yourself that this is all new.

   When you can’t find your normal energy or motivation, say to yourself, “I’ve never done this before.”

   And your kids? This is all new to them too.

   So take the nap, read for fun, go for a walk, savor an extra cup of coffee tomorrow morning. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend. Tell your inner critic to take a (long) break, and give yourself grace.

2. Simplify. We are so used to busy & complicated lives. Technology claims to make life easier, but we all know that isn’t true. Whether it’s in person or from home, we are juggling jobs and school and family life and “virtual” relationships. We want to add enriching activities for ourselves and our kids and to find time for all of the things. Bur how much of this makes our lives better? How many of these things are just one more thing to get done? Adding things in a time when stress is higher (see above) is a recipe for overwhelm and unmet goals. Instead, let’s find ways to simplify. Order in once a week. Let that home project slide for now. Fill your heart with simple joys. Watch a movie together. Take turns choosing which takeout to order from. Have a “clean out the fridge” dinner. Make your life easier in every way possible. Life is complicated enough without us adding to it.

3. Rest. This one is hard when, fo many of us, everyone is home - All The Time! Right?

   For too many years, I didn’t know how to ask for the rest I needed. I was burned out and my body was failing me from overextending myself so many times. One of the most important spiritual practices I learned after the death of my husband was taking a Sabbath. This is a life saving practice, y’all.

   For me and my family, we have Sabbath on Saturday. We don’t schedule things outside the house if we can help it. We plan to rest. By that I mean rest is literally in our schedule for Saturdays. My man cubs spend much of their day watching movies and playing games. I spend most of my day away from technology. I try not to waste my time scrolling social media (this one is challenging sometimes). most Saturdays I read, listen to podcasts or audiobooks, find a way to be creative, and enjoy silence.

   Now, I realize silence is a rare thing for those of you with tiny humans in the house (my humans aren’t so tiny anymore.) But where can you find those moments of stillness? Can you take a walk together as a family and notice the beauty of nature? Can you take an hour of quiet instead of picking up the toys while your kids nap? Can you take an extra long shower while someone else does toddler time?

   Fight for this time. It’s worth it. You are worth it. You can’t give out of an empty vessel.

4. Breathe. It sounds so simple. We do it all day long without even thinking about it. But when we take time to intentionally inhale and exhale, and pay attention to that process, it calms our heart rate, soothes our anxiety, and it helps ground us in the moment.

   Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Notice what it feels like to breathe in and breathe out.

   Where do you feel the breath most strongly? In the nostrils? In your belly rising and falling? As it passes through your throat? Focus on that place for a few breaths.

   Notice the tiny pause before the inhale begins and before the exhale begins. Take time to count a few breath cycles. What does it feel like to pay attention to your breathing?

   This is part of mindfulness and is available to you anytime. When things feel overwhelming, return to the breath. When you have a decision to make, pay attention to your breath before you start processing the choices. Your breath is a respite for you anywhere and at any time.

The big takeaway here is to be kind to yourself. You matter. Your health and well-being matters. Your family will benefit from you choosing to be your best self. It isn’t always easy, but it is always worth the extra effort.

I want to hear from you. What are you doing to care for yourself in this season? Name one place you will choose better care for yourself in the next week.

Rhythms

Musically, I am a harmony girl. I’ve been an alto all of my life, so I have always sung the harmony part. I love everything about it. The way 2 parts join together to create a richer, deeper sound makes my heart soar. When I hear a new song, if I can hear the chorus once, I will be singing harmony the next time around. My boys sometimes chuckle at me when they hear me harmonizing to a brand new song before it’s even over. They know it’s my thing.

Rhythms are another matter entirely. They don’t come naturally to me. I have to work at them.

It’s the same in daily life. I need a rhythm, a routine; but it doesn’t come naturally. I often feel as if I have been running through my days trying to force a routine that doesn’t fit. My inner critic has been loudly reminding me of what I haven’t been accomplishing.

Reality check though: I have autoimmune diseases and I have to choose how I spend my energy carefully. Sometimes I run out of energy before I run out of day. And…. oh yeah, we are also in the middle of a pandemic.

This week I came across a scripture that I have read and loved for my whole life. It is especially beautiful to me in Eugene Peterson’s The Message. When I read it this week, however, it hit me in a brand new way. Let me share it with you:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me — watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

Notice that phrase that I emphasized. “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.” Now I don’t know about you, but sometimes I try to force myself to do what I have decided is the “right” way to connect with God - the “right” way to structure my days. After all, I have been a Christ follower since I was eight. Surely I know what the “right” way looks like. The problem is that I (my people pleasing, good girl self) have listened more to what evangelical culture says is the “right” way to be a follower than what my heart needs.

Thankfully the Spirit has been teaching me a new thing about rhythms recently. Both my Counselor and my Spiritual Director have been talking to me about the difference between practices that are life-giving and ones that are life draining. I often try to do too much of what I think is right and not enough of what brings me close to God and makes my heart soar.

Here’s a truth, y'all: There are so many ways to connect with God and spend time in God’s presence. But not every practice is right for me in every season. Just because we have been told that something is “how we spend time with God” doesn’t mean it is the only way.

For most of my life I have focused on a certain kind of Bible study and a certain type of prayer. I did it, but it didn’t always bring me closer to God or transform my life. In the last few years I have discovered new ways of connecting with God. The practices that have given me life have been things like creativity and meditation and prayer writing. Doing these things feel natural and hopeful. They help me understand who God is and who I am created to be. But I am still exploring.

During the summer, what sparked for me were the liturgies that have been used for ages by followers of Christ. I explored the Daily Office and Celtic prayer books in my morning and evening routines. They made me curious and reminded me that I am part of a bigger whole.

However, a few weeks ago, my soul was restless and overwhelmed. I felt Holy Spirit prompting me to dive deep into just one practice: prayer writing. So I’m focusing now on spending my writing time in God’s presence and listening well.

God is always doing a new thing. I think the biggest truth for me in this journey is that how I encounter God will change. I can try new things. I can let something go for a season. As I am transformed, I will find new ways to hear the Spirit’s voice.

It should never be drudgery and tedious.

Yes, there is a discipline to our walk with Christ. But look for the places that spark your curiosity and ignite your passion. Do what makes you feel fully yourself. After all, you are created on purpose - with a purpose. Growth and transformation will happen organically when your spiritual practices are life giving.

So I want to hear from you: What spiritual practice makes you come alive? What sparks your curiosity? What have you tried lately that brings you joy? Share your life giving practices in the comments. And maybe even share what doesn’t work for you too - it is just as important to know what is life- draining.